By Abb Jones
The Reelness

Congratulations Matthew McConaughey and Anne Hathaway  – the big “winners” of our 10 Worst Movies of 2019 – each with two starring appearances on our list – one of them in a movie they did together!

This year’s 10 worst list features an array of genres – among them, a musical, an animated film, a couple of comedies and a handful of horror/thrillers. Behold, The Reelness 10 Worst Movies of 2019 (click on the movie title for the full review):

No monster in this film will be as clear as this photo.

#10: Godzilla: King of the Monsters (Grade: C-)

It’s only fitting that this third installment in the Monsterverse franchise make our list, following in the “worst 10 list” footsteps of its predecessors – 2014’s abysmally bad Godzilla and 2017’s equally terrible Kong: Skull Island. Hey, at least these films are consistent! If you are a Godzilla superfan, you won’t care about the mind-numbingly dull story or the moronic dialogue – you just want to see Godzilla and the other titans – the three-headed Ghidorah, Rodan and Mothra – slamming into buildings as they do battle in an eye-popping orgy of CGI. But even that is a disappointment, with battle scenes so dimly-lit you will think you are watching that famous, frustratingly dim final season episode of Game of Thrones.

Can we just bring back Drew, Cameron and Lucy?

#9: Charlie’s Angels (Grade: D+)

A handful of clever one-liners, a pop song-filled soundtrack and some cute, nostalgic nods to its predecessors can’t save this boring sequel to the popular TV and film franchise. Producer/writer/director Elizabeth Banks (Pitch Perfect) who also stars, playing a female Bosley, gives us a film totally lacking the silly charm of the films of the early 2000s. Non-stop action scenes, cute clothes, exotic locales and a very superficial nod to women empowerment fails to distract from goofy plot points, and dialogue that is off the charts stupid. Relative unknown Ella Balinska is the lone standout in this tedious film. The rest of the cast either lacks charisma – ahem, Kristen Stewart  or is just downright embarrassing to watch.

At least the animation was sort of interesting.

#8: Missing Link (Grade: D)

This uninspired story is about an explorer (Hugh Jackman) who discovers a lonely eight-foot-tall Sasquatch (Zach Galifianakis) in the forests of America’s Pacific Northwest, and agrees to take him to the Himalayas to find his cousins, the Yeti.  So off they go, joined by the widow (Zoe Saldana) of another former explorer. One of the most painfully dull animated films in years, Missing Link is filled with corny one-liners; bland, unrelatable characters; and listless, phoned-in voice-over work from the cast. The only saving grace – nicely done animation and a handful of ironic, funny one-liners from Emma Thompson as The Elder.

Somebody’s watching meeeeeeeeee…

#7: Black Christmas (Grade: D-)

This more feminist reboot of 1974’s iconic holiday horror film Black Christmas, about a serial killer stalking members of a college sorority during Christmas break, is so in-your-face with its message of women empowerment that it seems almost mockingly cartoonish amidst the moronic plot twists and insipid dialogue. You’ll get more scares from the fire hazards of hanging old-school Christmas bulbs on your tree than you will from this weird snoozer of a film.

Has anyone seen my Oscar?

#6: The Beach Bum (Grade: D-)

Matthew McConaughey headlines this tragically unfunny comedy from writer/director Harmony Korine as Moondog, a free spirited, pothead poet who sponges off of his wealthy wife (Isla Fisher), and is constantly stoned, swilling beer and having sex with women from Key West to Miami. This intended celebration of an artist’s bohemian lifestyle and its message, to just enjoy life, is lost in a series of silly vignettes that are as pointless as they are boring. McConaughey’s performance, little more than him acting like a jackass for an hour and a half, is bad, but it is Jonah Hill with the jaw-droppingly weird performance as his literary agent with a bizarre Southern accent.

Give me serenity NOW, from this film!

#5: Serenity (Grade: D-)

Oh, look who’s back AGAIN, Matthew McConaughey! This time he’s a burned out Florida boat captain obsessed with catching an elusive giant tuna. Matthew, stop doing movies set in Florida! Our boat captain starts questioning his reality when his ex-wife (Anne Hathaway) shows up, asking him to kill her monstrously abusive, alcoholic husband (Jason Clarke), the stepfather to their son. Sloppy production – it was shot in Mauritius, where mountains and right-side driving vehicles with international license plates do not even for a second look like Florida – super bad, amateurish camera work, and a bonkers story twist that is even more idiotic than you can imagine will have you quickly lunging for the remote.

Before the feline musical massacre of 2019.

#4. Cats (D-)

Most of this bizarre film adaptation of the popular stage musical consists of actors prancing around all Fosse-like, belting out forgettable tunes, covered in CGI “fur.” The senseless story features a slew of icky visuals: a mangy-looking Ian McKellan lapping up milk from a saucer, children’s faces bizarrely superimposed on dancing cockroaches and mice (WTF!?!), and Idris Elba dancing around in a furry black catsuit liked a super horned up stoner at a FurCon convention. The only thing keeping this epic disaster from scoring an F – Jennifer Hudson’s incredible, final performance of “Memories.” Rabies would be more fun that this colossal mess.

All the onscreen chemistry of rotting roadkill.

#3: The Hustle (Grade: F)

Oops, here’s Anne Hathaway, again! Someone’s going to take back your Oscar for Les Mis! Hathaway and Rebel Wilson (who is also in the awful, aforementioned, Cats) display zero on-screen chemistry in this gender flip of 1988’s immensely charming conman comedy Dirty Rotten Scoundrels, with Hathaway slogging through Michael Caine’s French Rivera sophisticate role as Wilson tackles Steve Martin’s part as the goofier, more low brow grifter. This remake is EPICALLY and PROFOUNDLY UNFUNNY – flat jokes from both stars, with Hathaway wallowing in painfully bad accents, and a rushed story that will make little sense to those unfamiliar with the original and annoy those who are. Even Tony award winner Alex Sharp looks out of place in the role that the late Glenne Headly did so very well.

Travolta went method for this role. We’re not kidding.

#2: The Fanatic (Grade: F)

Watch John Travolta continue to destroy his once thriving career – this time, via this exploitive psychological thriller about an autistic, obsessed fan who stalks and destroys the life of his favorite movie star. This mean-spirited film is less a thriller than is it a pointless vanity project for director Fred Durst, who says he co-wrote it based on his own fan experiences as lead singer of the rock group Limp Bizkit. Wow, that should endear himself to his fans. If the gratuitous violence and logic-defying scenarios don’t turn you off, then the cheap production values and Travolta’s cringe-worthy overacting will. Travoltasploitation at its most embarrassing.

Who let the sharks out?

#1: 47 Meters Down: Uncaged (Grade: F)

You’ll find yourself rooting for the sharks in this thrill-free thriller about four teenage girls who go scuba diving through a submerged labyrinth of Mayan ruins off Mexico’s Yucatán peninsula, only to discover they are surrounded by a school of deadly Great White Sharks. This totally unrelated follow-up to 2017’s way better 47 Meters Down stars Sophie Nélisse (The Book Thief) as the nerdy target of school bullying who joins some not-so-nice girls and her stepsister in the water. The sharks look fake, the submerged Mayan ruins look fake (in one scene the “stone wall” moves like the super soft sponge it actually is), and the piss-poor acting is fake. More chum, please!

So now that you’ve seen the worst, check out The Reelness 10 Best Movies of 2019. And what films made YOUR 10 worst list this year?? Chime in with your comments below!

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